


you saw it (you claimed it)

by givebackmylifecas



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Developing Relationship, Fluff, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Miscommunication, asexual sonny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:40:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26292778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givebackmylifecas/pseuds/givebackmylifecas
Summary: By the time the elevator deposits Sonny on Rafael’s floor, he’s a nervous wreck. He feels like he’s sweating from every pore, his stomach is roiling, and he’s pretty sure his hands haven’t stopped shaking since he left the precinct.He tries to calm himself as he approaches the door, a grocery bag in each hand. He has to tell Rafael tonight, can’t drag it out much longer, but at least they can have one last dinner together first.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 97
Collections: Barisi Opposites Challenge





	you saw it (you claimed it)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the barisi opposites challenge prompt 4 "sonny is the grumpy one, rafael is the sunshine one"... i'll be honest, this really ended up getting away from me and developed a life of its own but hopefully the prompt's influence is still visible
> 
> TWs: internalised acephobia, super brief mention of transphobia (no slurs), self esteem issues
> 
> Title from the proclaimers' song "sunshine on leith"

Rafael is practically whistling when he walks into the precinct. There’s a distinct spring in his step as he marches into the lieutenant’s office and Sonny ignores Amanda’s pointed look.

“Wow,” she says and Sonny sighs. “Barba’s been looking happier these last couple of weeks hasn’t he?”

Sonny keeps his eyes on his paper work. “I guess.”

He can tell by the tone of her voice that Amanda is smirking. “You guess? You’re gonna tell me you have nothing to do with that?”

“Why would I?” Sonny asks, fighting to keep his voice and expression even as he looks up at her.

“Uh, because you’re very obviously wearing one of Barba’s ties and you two left Forlini’s together every time we were there last week.”

Sonny sighs. “It’s not like that, Amanda.”

Amanda nods. “Uh huh, sure. So you don’t want to get in Barba’s very expensive pants?”

“As a matter of fact, I don’t,” Sonny says stiffly, ignoring the churning in his stomach.

He’s gotten better at this, when he first joined the academy he could barely stand to be in the room when the other cadets were talking about their conquests, about sex in the crude way men in their early twenties do. Now, he can shoot the shit with the best of them, the fact that he doesn’t mean any of it, that it’s just something he’s been around long enough to be able to imitate never seems to occur to anyone.

“Yeah right,” Amanda mutters, but thankfully drops the subject – only for Fin to pick it right back up again.

“Nah, you’re wrong Rollins. If Carisi and Barba were hooking up, then Carisi would be even more annoyingly happy than usual,” he drawls. “Instead, he comes in every day looking grumpier than a kicked cat.”

Sonny clenches his jaw. “Why do you care?” he snaps.

“See, he’s definitely not getting laid,” Fin says and Sonny gets to his feet.

“It’s none of your business,” he says. “I’m going to get coffee.”

He storms away, collapsing into one of the chairs in the breakroom. He buries his face in his hands, sighing. It’s not that he’s ashamed… not really. It’s just that as open as his colleagues are towards victims who are gay or trans, as accepting as they have been about him dating men, the subject of his asexuality had never come up. In fact, it hasn’t even come up with Rafael in the month since they started dating.

They’re both busy men and Sonny has managed to avoid doing anything more than kissing by telling Rafael he wants to take it slow. He’s mostly sure that Rafael agreed because he thinks Sonny is still uncertain about them both being men and he’s okay letting him think that. Because Sonny has liked Rafael, more than liked him, for so long that when the ADA finally asked him out, he said yes without considering the consequences. Without considering the fact that outside of his family, only his exes know he’s ace, the fact that Rafael probably isn’t interested in a relationship without sex, probably isn’t interested in Sonny for more than that.

So no, he hasn’t told Rafael, which is exactly why – according to Fin – he looks like a kicked cat. Because the last few nights, he’s stayed over at Rafael’s and he’s lain awake restlessly, with Rafael wrapped around him, trying to work out just how long he’ll get to keep this, how long he has until Rafael realises that whatever they have between them isn’t going anywhere. Sonny reckons he has maybe a week at most until Rafael breaks up with him – maybe sooner if he finally screws up the courage to tell Rafael. And then he’ll have to sit through yet another ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech where the person he likes tells him that he’s a great guy, but they’re just not interested in a relationship without sex.

He groans again, rubbing at his temples and startles when someone says his name. He looks up and sees Rafael standing in the doorway.

“Hey,” he says, smiling wanly at him.

Rafael looks immaculate in his grey suit and lavender shirt. “Hey yourself, are you alright? You look upset.”

Sonny shakes his head. “I’m fine, just tired and… uh, Rollins and Fin were busting my balls again.”

“Really? About what?”

“You and me.”

“What about us?” Rafael asks with that smirk that makes Sonny’s heart flutter.

He shrugs. “Ah you know the usual implications about why you might be in such a good mood. I told them they were wrong.”

“And they are,” Rafael agrees. “Personally, I think they should all experience three nights of really good sleep and then tell me I shouldn’t be in a good mood.”

“You’ve been sleeping well?” Sonny asks with a frown.

Rafael actually blushes a little. “Well, it’s been a while since I’ve had anyone to share my bed with and I… find it comforting to have you there.”

“You do?” Sonny asks quietly and the smile Rafael offers him in return is unbearably soft.

“I do.”

Sonny smiles as well. “I like it too.”

“I uh, I’m glad to hear that,” Rafael says and Sonny can’t help but think it’s adorable to see the prosecutor so flustered. “So, tonight? Do you want to go out for dinner?”

Sonny hesitates. If he says no, pushes their date then he gets to keep this, keep Rafael for just a little longer. But on the other hand, he doesn’t want to give up a single minute with Rafael.

“We don’t have to,” Rafael says but Sonny shakes his head.

“No. I mean, I’d like that. But, how about I come over and cook for you, huh? I make a mean spaghetti bolognese,” he offers. If he tells Rafael tonight and gets broken up with, then at least it won’t be in a public place.

Rafael laughs. “I’m sure you can. That sounds nice though, I’ll see you tonight then? Say eight?”

“Yeah,” Sonny says with a nod. “I’ll see you then.”

Rafael takes a quick glance around and then ducks down to press a kiss to Sonny’s cheek. “See you tonight. I better get back to the office before Carmen kills me for making her reschedule all my appointments.”

Sonny smiles as he watches him go and then tries to pull himself together before returning to his desk. Amanda eyes him warily as he sits down.

“You alright?” she asks and he nods curtly. “Look, about earlier… I’m sorry. You’re right, it’s none of our business if anything is going on between you and Barba. I just know you like him.”

“I do,” Sonny sighs. “And we are… together. But I don’t think it’s going anywhere.”

Amanda frowns. “Are you sure? I wasn’t joking when I said this is the happiest I’ve ever seen Barba.”

“Yeah… Look, can we drop it, I don’t really want to talk about it – especially at work.”

“Sure,” she says slowly. “But Carisi, look I know we tease you but you’re a catch alright? Barba’s lucky to have you.”

Sonny grimaces. “Yeah, maybe.”

* * *

Getting through the rest of his shift is hard. Amanda keeps throwing him concerned looks and Fin didn’t stop teasing him about Barba until Sonny finally snapped and told him to knock it off. Which then means Olivia keeps throwing him worried looks.

When it gets to six, he’s just washed up his mug and shrugged into his jacket, when she calls him into her office.

“What’s up, lieu?” he asks when she gestures for him to shut the door and sit down.

Olivia looks at him from across the desk. “What’s going on with you, Carisi? You’ve been in a bad mood for days. You snapped at Fin in front of witness earlier.”

Sonny sighs, flushing with shame. “I’m sorry, I’ve just been dealing with some personal stuff. I shouldn’t have gone off on Fin, it won’t happen again.”

“Personal issues?” Olivia questions. “Anything I need to know about?”

“Not really.”

Olivia sighs. “Alright, if it’s nothing I need to know about in my capacity as your lieutenant, what about as your friend?”

Any other day Olivia referring to him as a friend would have made Sonny pathetically happy. Today it just makes him feel even more miserable. Because even if she considers Sonny a friend, she surely won’t choose him over Rafael once they break up.

“Is this about Rafael?” she asks when he doesn’t speak. “Because he told me you two were going to see how things develop, but if you ask me you don’t have anything to worry about – he seems pretty happy.”

Sonny swallows. “I’m glad he’s happy.”

Olivia frowns at him. “Is the part where I have to threaten you about what happens if you break his heart?” she asks, her tone light even as her eyes remain serious.

“No,” Sonny chokes out along with something akin to a laugh. “I really don’t think you have to worry about that.”

Olivia considers him for a long moment, then nods. “Alright, then get yourself home.”

“Thanks lieu, have a good night,” he says, scrambling to his feet.

“You too, Carisi. Say hi to Rafa for me,” she says and he blushes, nodding.

* * *

He delays going to Rafael’s by going to the grocery store, knowing the ADA probably doesn’t have much in – if anything at all. Even so, he’s ten minutes early by the time he gets to Rafael’s building. The doorman, by now well used to Sonny, just waves him in.

By the time the elevator deposits Sonny on Rafael’s floor, he’s a nervous wreck. He feels like he’s sweating from every pore, his stomach is roiling, and he’s pretty sure his hands haven’t stopped shaking since he left the precinct.

He tries to calm himself as he approaches the door, a grocery bag in each hand. He has to tell Rafael tonight, can’t drag it out much longer, but at least they can have one last dinner together first.

The door opens before he gets the chance to knock. Rafael is still in his work clothes, but he’s lost his jacket and unbuttoned his waistcoat, loosened his tie and rolled up his sleeves. He looks like everything Sonny has ever wanted to come home to and Sonny almost turns around and leaves right there and then. Anything to preserve this image of a softened Rafael smiling at him, to keep this moment instead of replacing it with the heartbreak and subsequent awkwardness that he knows is coming.

“Rough day?” Rafael asks, automatically reaching out to take one of the bags off him and sneaking a kiss as he does so.

Sonny relaxes into it, letting Rafael wrap an arm around his waist and pull him close. When the other man seems content to let the kiss devolve into something more passionate, he pulls away.

“Hey, do you want dinner or not?” he asks, trying to keep his voice teasing.

Rafael smiles. “Of course I do, why else do I keep you around?”

His entire demeanour tells Sonny that he’s only joking, but he can’t help the pang of hurt it causes. Nevertheless, he slides past Rafael and into the apartment, a smile fixed on his face.

Rafael follows him into the kitchen and pours him a glass of wine. There’s another half empty one already on the counter and Sonny eyes it knowingly.

“Started without me?” he quips and Rafael rolls his eyes.

“My last meeting of the day was with Buchanan, you’re lucky I didn’t start on the hard liquor.”

Sonny groans in sympathy and mock toasts Rafael with his wine. He starts unpacking the groceries, aware of Rafael watching him from where he’s leaning against the counter.

When Sonny starts chopping the onions, Rafael smiles.

“You’re good at that,” he says softly and Sonny still hasn’t got used to the genuine compliments that Rafael has recently started sprinkling into their conversations.

He’s still acerbic and happy to dole out barbs, but he’s also been more willing to listen to Sonny’s legal suggestions at work.

Sonny looks over at him as he throws the chopped onions into the pot. “Thanks, my nonna taught me.”

“Of course she did,” Rafael replies with a laugh. “I bet mothers love you.”

Sony blushes. “Well, all the ones at my parents’ church do.”

“And your exes? I’m sure you never had a problem meeting the parents, good catholic boy like you.”

“Ah,” Sonny says awkwardly, starting on the peppers. “Not really got that far with anyone recently.”

Rafael is silent and Sonny knows he’s watching him, those clever eyes cataloguing and analysing his every move.

“Well,” he says eventually, stepping forward to rest a hand on Sonny’s waist. “That’s their loss and my gain, isn’t it?”

Sonny allows himself to lean into it. “I guess it is.”

He puts down his knife and turns into Rafael’s embrace, resting his chin on the top of his head. Rafael smells of the cologne that Sonny is fairly sure costs more than his TV and a little bit like scotch and a lot like home and Sonny doesn’t know how he’s going to live without this now that he’s so close to getting used to it.

“Maybe I’m not the only one who had a rough day,” Rafael mumbles against Sonny’s neck.

“Sorry,” Sonny says, embarrassed, pulling away, but Rafael keeps his hold on him.

“Why are you apologising?”

Sonny shrugs, feeling a little like he’s on the stand under the intense scrutiny of Rafael’s gaze. He seems to understand that Sonny doesn’t want to talk because he squeezes his waist again before stepping away and out of Sonny’s space.

“I have a couple things to finish up for work, am I okay to leave you here or do you want help with the food?”

“Nah, I’m okay Rafi,” Sonny says. “I’ll come get you when it’s done.”

Rafael smiles and Sonny tries not to read into the fact that he seems a little tense. Rafael slides past him and out of the kitchen. Once he’s gone, Sonny attempts to lose himself in the familiar steps of cooking, remembers making this sauce many times over with his nonna when he was younger. How she said that she wanted him to know how to cook for the wife he’d one day have. If his eyes sting a little at the thought, he blames it on the fumes from the sauce.

By the time he’s finished and is draining the pasta, he feels a weird sense of calm, of knowing that at least the hard part will be over soon.

“Hey, Rafi, dinner’s ready,” he calls, pulling pasta bowls out of the cupboard.

Rafael, when he comes into the kitchen, is pulling the kind of face that Sonny has come to associate with difficult cases.

“Everything alright?” he asks and Rafael nods.

“Yeah, just the usual headaches that come with unreliable witness statements,” he sighs and Sonny smiles sympathetically.

“Well, why don’t have dinner and you can tell me about it.”

He plates up food for them both and carries it through to the dining room while Rafael follows with their topped-up glasses of wine. Rafael seems to like the dinner and their conversation flows easily. But the longer they sit at the table the more nervous Sonny gets. He actually jumps when Rafael puts down his wine glass a little too hard and frowns at him.

“Sonny, what’s wrong?” he asks. “You’ve been off all day and I know you said you’re tired, but it feels like there’s something else going on.”

Sonny nods and Rafael sighs.

“Are you going to tell me what it is?” He reaches across the table and takes Sonny’s hand. “We can’t fix it, if you won’t tell me what’s wrong.”

Sonny nods. “Yeah I know, I just… I don’t know if we can fix it.”

He hates the way Rafael’s entire body tenses and his face goes blank, far too close to the mask of casual arrogance he wears in court.

“I see,” Rafael says stiffly, pulling his hand away. “I suppose I should have seen this coming. Being open to someone’s gender identity as a friend and wanting to date them is very different. I have to admit, I wish you’d realised this earlier.”

Sonny’s heart races and his stomach twists, even as he desperately shakes his head. “No, Rafi no. It’s – that’s no. It has nothing to do with you being…”

“Trans,” Rafael finishes curtly. “You can say it, I’m not ashamed.”

“And you shouldn’t be!” Sonny says vehemently. “You’ve nothing to be ashamed about.”

Rafael scowls. “But you do?”

Sonny shakes his head. “No of course not, I’m not ashamed, not of you!”

“Then of what?” Rafael demands.

“Of me!” Sonny blurts before he can stop himself.

Rafael leans back in his chair, looking deflated. “What? Why would you ever think you have anything to be ashamed of?”

Sonny swallows, looking down at the table. “Look, I have to tell you something, okay? And I know should have told you earlier – right at the beginning when we started this. So I want to apologise for that.”

“Sonny, what’s going on?”

“I uh, I also want to say that um… I really like you Rafael. And I won’t think differently of you, when you want to end things once I tell you. I understand so… don’t feel like you have to anything you don’t want to,” Sonny says and he hates the tears burning in his eyes. “The only reason I waited to tell you is because I like you so much and I… I wanted to pretend that this is something I can have – just for a little bit.”

He looks away, blinking hard and Rafael gets up, moving around the table to sit in the seat next to Sonny. He puts one hand on Sonny’s face, using the gentlest of pressure to make Sonny look him in the eye.

“Sonny,” he says slowly. “You’re scaring me, but I promise that whatever you’re going to tell me, can’t be worse than the hundreds of scenarios that are running through my head right now. Please, just tell me what’s going on.”

Sonny nods, leaning into the contact and letting Rafael comfort him one last time before he sniffs and pulls away.

“I’m asexual,” he says, choking on the words. “I’m just… I’m sorry, I should have told you. I know a relationship with… someone like me isn’t what you wanted.”

Rafael stares. “Asexual,” he repeats and he sounds exactly like Rebecca and Molly and James and every other person Sonny’s ever dated and told about his sexuality.

“It’s um, it’s different for everyone but for me – I’m not interested in having sex. With anyone, ever,” he trails off, looking away from Rafael’s stunned face and down at his trembling hands.

“I know what it means,” Rafael says quietly.

Sonny nods. “Right, yeah of course you do. I… I’m sorry, again. And I’m gonna go now. There’s um, still enough pasta for some leftovers. I know you don’t really cook so feel free to just keep them for lunch.” He rubs his hands on his trousers and gets to his feet. “I’m really sorry, Rafael.”

He makes it about three feet away from the table before he hears the scraping of a chair being pushed back and then Rafael has one hand wrapped around Sonny’s wrist.

“Sonny, wait,” he says and Sonny shakes his head.

“It’s okay, Rafi, I know what you’re going to say. You like me but –”

“Sonny!” Rafael’s voice is sharp, curt enough to startle Sonny into turning to look at him. “You’ve been honest with me and I let you speak, I’d appreciate it if you’d afford me the same courtesy.”

Sonny nods and Rafael lets out a breath. He keeps his fingers wrapped around Sonny’s wrist, leading him over to the sofa and tugging at him until he sits down.

“First of all, thank you for telling me,” Rafael says quietly and Sonny focusses on the single point of contact between them which is Rafael’s hand still on his.

“I owed it to you,” he mumbles and Rafael squeezes his hand.

“No, you don’t. You owe it to yourself maybe, but not to me.”

Sonny nods and Rafael’s other hand comes to rest on his knee.

“But I have to ask you… have I done something to make you think that you couldn’t tell me?”

Sonny’s head snaps up. “No, Rafi, this… it isn’t on you, okay? I just know that this, me, isn’t what you wanted out of a relationship. And I waited to tell you because wanted to be with you for as long as I possibly could, because I’m selfish and didn’t want you to break up with me.”

Rafael’s arms are around him before he even realises that he’s started crying again.

Rafael presses his face to Sonny’s hair. “Querido, I’m not going to break up with you. Not now, not because of this.”

“You aren’t?” Sonny asks, his voice muffled against the fabric of Rafael’s shirt.

“No,” Rafael says firmly, loosening his grip on Sonny just enough so they can look each other in the eye. “I was halfway in love with you before I ever asked you out, these last few weeks… I’ve never been happier. This… it changes nothing, do you understand?”

Sonny shakes his head. “Rafi, are you sure? I told you, I understand if you want a relationship that’s… whole.”

Rafael stares. “Whole? You think sex is what makes a relationship whole?”

“No,” Sonny protests. “I don’t think that. But I know that most people do.”

Silence stretches between them and Sonny waits, waits for Rafael to take back what he just said and ask Sonny to leave.

“You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Rafael says, enunciating the words carefully, as if afraid Sonny isn’t listening. “And I don’t know what sort of… imbeciles you’ve been around, that made you feel like who you are is something you need to be ashamed of, but they’re wrong. I like you for you, not for what you can do for me in bed.”

“You do?” Sonny asks, heart in his throat.

Rafael makes a noise that’s halfway to an incredulous laugh and nods. “God yes. I can’t believe that you don’t see how amazing you are.”

“’M not,” Sonny says.

“Well, I object to your assessment of yourself, Detective,” Rafael quips, startling a snort of a laugh out of Sonny. “Now, if I assure you, that I’m not going to break up with you, is there anything else that’s worrying you?”

Sonny shakes his head. “No… that was uh, the big one.”

Rafael presses a kiss to the side of his head. “And everything we’ve done until now? That’s been okay with you, you haven’t felt like you had to do any of it?”

“No,” Sonny assures him. “No, everything’s been fine, I promise Rafi.”

“So uh, if I asked you to stay over, would that be okay?”

Sonny can’t help but smile at the slight flush on Rafael’s face. “Yeah, Rafi. That’d be great.” Rafael’s face brightens and Sonny can’t help but tease him just a little. “You really like having me in your bed, huh?”

“And if I do?” Rafael asks, jutting his chin out.

Sonny kisses him before he answers, carefully, softly, hands cradling his face. “Then I’d say I like sleeping with you too and that I’ll stay over as often as you want if it means you’ll get a decent night’s sleep.”

“I appreciate your sacrifice,” Rafael says sarcastically, but his eyes remain soft and Sonny kisses him again.

* * *

“You know, I guess Rollins was sort of right,” Sonny yawns as he watches Rafael cheerfully select his tie-shirt-suspenders combo for the day.

Rafael stops his humming and looks over at where Sonny is still sprawled in bed. “About what?”

“She thought you were in a good mood because of me, because we were spending out nights together,” Sonny says.

“Oh,” Rafael says. “I suppose she was right for once, there are always exception to the rule.”

Sonny grumbles. “Don’t be mean to her.”

“She’s not here, is she?” Rafael shrugs.

“Still,” Sonny says.

Rafael puts down the forest green tie he’d been contemplating and crawls back into the bed next to Sonny, wrapping his arms around him.

“You know, I wonder if anyone would believe me, if I told them how grumpy you are in the mornings,” he says into Sonny’s messy hair.

Sonny groans. “Yeah, well no one would believe me if I said you’re a morning person.”

Rafael kisses his cheek and then his forehead and then his other cheek. “Only with you, cariño, only with you.”

**Author's Note:**

> so i know asexuality and acephobia is experienced differently by everyone and i was just projecting hard, but i hope you liked it anyway...
> 
> feel free to leave a comment/kudos and as always you can scream at me on tumblr ([@hefellfordean](https://hefellfordean.tumblr.com)) or twitter ([@angstypalermo](https://twitter.com/angstypalermo))


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